2016: The year of me

If 2015 was the year of meh, then 2016 is the year of me.

2015 was a down year. It’s funny, when I was younger, I never understood how older people could talk about “a bad year” or even a bad decade, as in “the 70’s were a rough time.” It felt so unreasonable and simplistic to hang a single banner over such a long stretch of time. And yet I’ve come to realize now that such broad brushes are often accurate. So I can say with little or no feeling of oversimplification: 2015 was a down year.

That doesn’t mean it wasn’t punctuated by happiness, or even that I wasn’t happy for large stretches of the year. Really, I’ve said all I need to say about 2015 in the first sentence: 2015 was the year of meh. It wasn’t overwhelmingly positive, or overwhelmingly negative; it just kinda sat there, like beets on a salad.

A large part of that meh feeling for me came from my dating life, or lack thereof. I ended my first real relationship since my divorce at the end of 2014, so come 2015, I was back on the horse that was dating. But before I could even remount it, I knew that the horse was tired, and I was tired of riding it. The reason I was dating in the first place was the reason most people date: so they don’t have to date. We date to find a relationship so we can quit all this dating rigamarole.

Ugh, this is the part of the writing where I start to lose patience, and start to lose wind, and let these thoughts die on the vine. Because ultimately none of this matters. Fucking fuck, none of this matters.

Anyway, 2016 is the year of me. I’ve decided to quit my dating apps and quit the powerful yet transient dopamine rush that I would get from new messages and new pokes and new likes and new matches and simply set a spell, by myself, with myself, play guitar more, play piano more, maybe buy some electronic drums so I can start playing drums again, write more, learn to cook some new dishes, focus on being a present and accessible father, fill myself up with good things to overflowing so I can pour out those good things when I’m bumped, so that I can become a full person, a person that doesn’t need someone to make me complete, but who is complete by myself, with myself.

I guess I didn’t realize that the road would be so lonely. Of course, it’s only been three days, so I’m withdrawing like an addict from the dating apps and the seduction and the witty repartee that I so loved when two people are establishing a flirtatious rapport with each other. Hopefully this is the uphill climb to the valley just over the ridge, and the road gets easier once I’ve reached this first crest.

Hopefully. We shall see. So come at me, 2016, and I’ll come at you.

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